This weekend marks five years since my grandmother on my mother’s side passed away. I did not even realize this until I opened Facebook tonight and saw a picture my aunt posted.

It was a picture of my mom, my aunt, and their mom- my grandmother. I read the post and became very emotional. My grandfather also passed away right before the Fall of my junior semester at UNC.

Recently, I have been thinking of them a lot. In general, I’m a very emotional person, and I like to feel. Like, I truly feel privileged to have the capacity to feel. It’s an honor to experience pain, sadness, hurt, anger, loneliness. Even these emotions have a deeper meaning.  

But before I saw my aunt’s post, I went to talk to my mom about ideas for an upcoming project I have. We began to disagree about various topics, so our discussion became a bit heated as both of us were having difficulty expressing ourselves and getting frustrated doing so. In the end, we found some common ground, came to a conclusion, and I went to finish some work for class.

But I checked Facebook first. And the first thing I saw was that picture. And my heart suddenly began breaking for my mom.

It leaves a weird hole in you when you love your parents and then you realize they don’t have parents to physically love anymore. And then you think again and realize that it happens to everyone. So, you do that thing where you block the thought out of your brain because it’s too horrible to even think about.

And I guess for me the situation is elevated by the fact that I never got to spend time with my grandparents like most of my friends. My grandparents live thousands of miles away in Moldova. It would be impossible for me to stop by for dinner or stay the night. And you know what I’ve decided? That’s crap. No grandparent should ever have to live far from their children and grandchildren; no grandchild should have to go without grandparents.

The picture above is from 2013.

In Moldova, all houses have a gate and fence around the property. People usually have lots of space inside to keep a garden and sometimes animals. The green gate in the photo is the outside of my grandparent’s house. My grandmother’s eyes are so sad in the picture. It was the last time I would see her in person. We all cried that day. And my heart broke a little then too.

I feel lucky that even with the distance, I know how much they sacrificed for me, and I know how much they loved me. And even though we spent little time together in person, they left a huge mark on my heart and on who I am. I will always carry their advice and love with me. I honor them with my life.

Empathy is a theme quite a few of my blog posts cover. I think it is because I find empathy relevant to everything I do. Empathy is not only important because “what other choice do we have,” but because it’s the only choice that matters.

What other species can we communicate with? Who else can we love and share stories with? Who else can we try to understand? Who else can we save? History is important because it makes us who we are, as a collective and as individuals.

I made sure that every chance I got to spend with my grandparents was spent with empathy and humility. What could I learn from them? How could I encourage them? I could never assume I’d be given a second chance to get to fully know them. 

The more I grow and learn, the more I feel that empathy is meant to be a constant state of being. In a way, empathy is context. It allows us to put ourselves in the shoes of others. When we talk to and interact with others, context does not disappear. People carry it with them. If we speak to others in a way that lacks some degree of empathy– even if we don’t necessarily know their context– we allow anger, frustration, offense, war, hatred, confirmation bias, hypocrisy, and so much more to rule over our relationships.

At the end of one of my classes today, my professor told the class that each of us has built a self, a profound self that matters and has a chance to do real good in this world. That broke my heart too. But in a good way. In a way that softens it and creates more room for loving others.

In my time at UNC, I have met many broken people. Many without fathers and mothers. Many who live alone. Many with anxiety and depression and health problems and issues. Many individuals handle insecurities and rejection caused by other individuals who hurt them in a way no human is ever meant to be hurt. And the fact of the matter is that it’s not even just “many people.” It’s all of us. We are many people.

So, when I heard a professor bless his students with such encouragement, confidence, and belief in them, and when he spoke those simple words that I wish everyone could hear every day, I got emotional. I felt a wave of something I don’t really know how to explain. I think it was mostly thankfulness. Thankful that a group of about 40 students was given something to hold on to. They were told they are worth it and to keep fighting.

If we have eyes to see, we’ll find that there are so many things to hold on to. So many reasons to keep fighting and loving.

My aunt (left), grandmother (center), and mom (right).

In a recent informational interview, I was advised to clarify the “why” supporting my application. My interviewee said, “if you convince us why you want to join our program, we’ll say why not.”

This advice was significant to me not only because it helped me narrow my focus and improve my application but because it prompted me to identify the “why not” areas of my life. What convictions am I willing to fight for? What ideas inspire who I am? What devotions thrust my path forward? 

Sometimes I don’t think it’s sufficient to ask questions like, “What are you passionate about?”
You can have many passions that do not necessarily frame your life. 

Even so, life is too short to be lived without passion.

I like to build relationships. In fact, I think building relationships and connecting with others is one of the fundamental reasons for our existence. In creating relationships, we can begin to understand the heart of our Heavenly Father.

I’ve had the chance to meet so many individuals from various geographical locations globally and many cultures. I’ve connected with people of all ages, professions, and religious affiliations.  

I think my brain is wired to understand people. 

I often experience moments where my heart channels such a high degree of empathy that I can understand exactly how someone feels without ever having experienced their situation. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it’s heavy, but it’s always beautiful to meet people where they are. 

One of the fundamental ideas that frame my life is that I believe all people are born for greatness and that every person holds within them a treasure the world needs that only they can offer. However, sometimes a person is born into an environment with variables that subdue their ability to manifest the “treasure” within them.  

In other words, there are internal variables (like depression, anxiety, fear, anger, insecurity) and external ones (like location, family, finances, violence) that hinder our ability to accomplish our life’s purpose, dreams, destiny, or goals. 

Over the years, I’ve realized how fortunate I am to be part of a loving family that has instilled a Godly identity in me. My parents bless and encourage me every day. I’ve been given so much love, health, and support that it would be a waste of my potential to not share it with others. Out of the overflow of the goodness poured into me, I can share it with others.

Everywhere I go, I notice that every person desires to be desired. Everyone wants to be accepted and recognized by others. I’ve seen grown men break down and cry from the desperation of not finding their place or feelings of inadequacy. I have friends who subjected themselves to eating disorders because they felt they would not be accepted as they are. Every day, I see people—including myself— compromise who they are to become what they think others find desirable.   

Misunderstanding our true identity is the root of feeling not good enough or living in a constant search for acceptance.

In knowing and developing my own identity, I found my personal “why.” I’ve made it my goal to uncover the greatness I see in people. I want each person to know that they are loved and worthy, simply by virtue of being human, a child of God created with a purpose. I see myself as an agent who is able to lead people through and out of the hindrances preventing their full potential from breaking through.

I’ve decided to bring this posture to all of my relationships. The more secure we are in our identities, the more we’ll know the path our feet must walk. We find direction in knowing who we are and where our strengths lie.

I encourage everyone to find their why, whether it’s big or small. Why do you want that job, and why you get up every morning? Find what drives your life and eliminate all insecurities that stand in the way of reaching your full potential. 

Early morning. Missed flight.

Rebooked and rerouted. Charlotte, North Carolina to Denver, Colorado.

3-hour flight. Beside a stranger.

Slumped on the seat. Exhaustion prompted by the 4 a.m. wake up call.

Stranger says, “Can you help me?” 

I turn my head, look into the stranger’s eyes, and put on an invisible smile. “Of course!” 

Many firsts.

It was her first time flying. First time in an airport. In a few hours, she would see her first grandchild for the first time.

“Are you nervous, excited?” I asked. 

“I am all of it,” she responded.

Reassuring words from me. Then, sharing personal stories. 

Observing the expression in her eyes as we exchanged words.

The eyes in front of the mask began speaking to me. It was her only unguarded feature and I accessed their story easily.

The woman’s jaundiced eyes revealed a battle with health. A soft look of tired surrender indicated a life of long-suffering and a determined resolution of hope. 

Naturally, my eyes reciprocated expression and emotion. 

Wetness in her eyes. As if on the verge of tears.

They imparted an infectious posture of raw excitement and awe. 

We connected. Trust as we discussed. 

A stranger not five minutes ago opened up to me in ways I couldn’t expect.   

It was difficult to overlook the feelings of expectant curiosity swelling within me.

Experiencing her world.

3 hours later, arrived in Denver. 

An image of a broken, yet whole individual painted in my mind.

An understanding of life’s betrayal, yet the ever-present beauty it holds.

A resolution to authentically connect with people. To learn their stories.

End of hour three.

Found treasure sitting beside me. 

Final destination: Sacramento, California.

More and more, I’ve seen individuals partake in a personal “social media detox.”

A social media detox is a conscious elimination of social media use for a set period of time. While some choose to take time away from social media to rest their minds or minimize their time in front of a screen, others participate in the detox based on the premise that social media is “toxic.” And that’s where I don’t agree.  

It’s easy to consider social media toxic when you think of it as anything other than a tool. In the same way salt is a condiment or a tool for enhancing food, social media is a tool for networking, communication, business, relationships, etc. 

A message in itself may be toxic, and a way of thinking may be toxic, but a platform is not toxic. It’s simply a medium through which expression occurs. Although the expression or user-generated content may be toxic, a platform is still just a host for that expression. 

You see, our perceptions, assumptions, and mindsets are the toxic agents. They introduce and generate comparison, fear, joy, excitement, doubt, hope, worry, or jealousy based on the way images and text are processed. An internal response stems from the way your mind chooses to receive a message. 

Our ideas of the way things should be changes the way we will perceive those things. For example, when I signed up for Instagram, I knew I was entering a space where I believed all users would post only the best representation of themselves in the best pictures. I even acknowledged that some of the content would be edited and manipulated in such a way to simulate perfection, even if not originally so. 

Thus, when I see “perfect” posts, I am not tempted toward comparison or even judgment because I recognize that’s what the platform is for. 

Our attitude toward social media is individualistic. The level of toxicity we perceive in social media is personal and results from our thinking tendencies. 

Assuming social media is toxic, how many social media detoxes would it take before being able to use social media freely, with immunity to its toxicity and without the need for regular detox? 

Or is social media a toxic dungeon we subject ourselves to due to a lack of discernment in selecting a healthy environment or as an escape from a less-desirable reality? 

Chances are if you need to detox from something, it was never any good for you to begin with… 

If the idea of social media toxicity arises out of our own unstable interpretation of ourselves and reality through insecurities, then we need to create systems of checks and balances within our minds to move past the defense mechanism that is quick to label unwelcome feelings brought by social media posts as toxic.

To understand this, I often give a personal example of how I approach fear. I am personally not afraid of anything. I cannot rationalize fear; therefore, I do not accept it. 

If someone asks, 

“What about the dark?” I say I’ll turn the lights on.

“What about bugs and critters?” I’m big enough to crush them beneath my feet.

“What about death?” As a born-again Christian, I know where I’m going. 

I take everything else one step at a time and move forward in prayer through everything.

The same concept can be applied to perceived toxicity in social media. Often, our desire to have a social media detox originates from deeper internal issues than the content itself. Ask yourself why you need to detox. Is it comparison? Fear-of-missing-out? Jealousy? Addiction? Sadness? 

As you browse social media platforms, do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you feel like you’re not good enough? My advice is to get out of your head! Realize your inherent value simply by virtue of being human. 

If you feel the need to compare, remind yourself that everyone is unique and everyone possesses a treasure that only they can release to the world. If you feel inadequate, remind yourself that you are only viewing a corner of someone’s reality. In fact, the corner they show may not even be a reality at all. If you are struck with jealousy or fear-of-missing-out, go put on a fun outfit and create your own adventure; document it too! 

More specifically, I have also noticed the hashtag #MakeInstagramCasual circulate on Instagram recently as if Instagram’s existence doesn’t depend on you. The whole purpose of social media is to connect with others through user-generated content. In other words, social media is as casual or high stakes as you make it.

Ultimately, the hashtag provides an excuse to post anything a user perceives to be of lower quality. The hashtag is meant to protect from pressure and social judgment. It almost works as an assurance to self that the platform is being used correctly and a subtle way to guilt all those who are not posting “casually.”     

As a healthy social media user, your goal should be to adopt a neutral perspective. Take in each image and message with context. Forgo the hasty declaration of toxicity and look internally instead. Understand that content can never be more valuable than you are. 

The existence of social media, the perpetuation of trends, and content usefulness all depend on you, the user. Challenge your mind. Take back control of what you’ve always owned.

My media ethics professor sent the class an email asking if it is possible for a good person to be wrong. 

I think it is only right to ask the opposite as well. Is it possible for a bad person to be right? But that is not the point. The point is: what makes a person good and what makes one bad?

Does it depend on individual ethical systems? Can you only be deemed good or bad when judged within the context of someone’s moral environment?

I guess that’s why people like religion. It’s simple. It’s a set of standards that apply across cultures, environments, peoples, languages, and other categories.

I’ve always said that my ethics and definition of capital-T-Truth comes from God and having a personal relationship with Him. I don’t believe in “religion” because I think it’s man’s way of putting God in a box and making out of him what they want, according to their interpretations, and what they are comfortable with.

Anyway, my class talked a lot about how dangerous it is to operate with certainty. And the thing is, there are many ideas I hold of which I am certain of their Truth. I understand the danger of thinking so but, at the same time, I also think truths often need evidence or proof of their veracity. 

When it comes to the things of God, I know He is real and the things He says are true because of my personal experiences with Him. I have had dreams and visions, experienced Him speaking to me in real life, and watched Him work in my life. I have even experienced healing in my own body and seen it in others in ways that left doctors surprised.

God is known by experience or not at all. It’s the same way you know your spouse, parents, or kids. You spend time with them and, after a while, you could pick out their voice in a crowd of 100 people.

Now, imagine how strongly I hold fast to these things. Then, imagine how difficult it is for me to hear others not believe these things or oppose the truths I believe are capital-T. Being aware of my thinking patterns helped me understand the inherent tension found in empathy. In his email to the class, my professor said,

“Empathy does not require that we forget ourselves while slipping into another person’s concerns. But can WE minimize harm while fighting for what we believe? Can we be right and still show compassion for the wrong?”

For some reason, those words affected me. Showing compassion while also fighting for what I believe has been a difficult balance for me to find. But not because of a lack of willingness to have compassion on my part. Instead, I am a very passionate person. When I believe something, I’ll stand for it no matter what. But in my passionate belief of what I hold to be true, I know that having compassion for others opposing that truth does not have to be mutually exclusive. And in fact, even the Bible talks about having compassion, love, and patience for others. It teaches that no person is more or less than another person. We all began in the same place, and we are all considered worthy of Jesus’ sacrifice.

I have to remind myself of this often. Especially during a global pandemic where there is a lot of debate, uncertainty, and pointing fingers. 

I always say that I don’t like to debate because why would I waste energy and emotions trying to convince others of something when I know I’m right? But now, I’d call that very dangerous territory.

So, I have changed my perspective. It’s not about convincing anyone of anything. And it’s not about getting worked up over the fact that someone ardently opposes what you believe. It’s about listening. Showing others that you care about what they have to think and say. It’s about having a discussion. Being able to speak and think about things that are contradictory but existing at the same time. 

I think that if we can do that, we will be able to find gaps in our certainties and adjust our thinking more and more toward the truth.

If we know why we do what we do and why we think how we think, maybe we can begin to understand why others think what they think as well– and have more compassion in doing so.

I don’t use curse words.

In fact, I’ve never physically spoken a curse word.

Yeah, I know… I’m that person.

To start, curse words were never actively present in my childhood reality. My parents and other communities I was a part of did not use them, so I was first exposed to them during the later years of grade school. 

I’ve never been one to follow trends. In school, I intentionally opposed fads so nobody could think of me as a copy or anything less than my authentic self.  I wanted to be different.

When I realized swearing was everywhere and widely used by all my peers, I made a pact with myself that I would not use them.

People began noticing when I would skip over words while reading aloud, substitute words in a song, or have trouble relaying the exact words someone said.    

I was met with shock and amazement each time I said, “I just don’t use those words.” That only encouraged me to continue in the path I had cut for myself.

I also found curse words to be wildly unprofessional. I prided myself in being a mature individual with high moral standards. Surely a professional adult would not give in to using such low-quality words?

Although those ideas are somewhat outdated, I still hold firm to the belief that they are unprofessional and unbecoming. Although I have little problem with others around me using curse words, I could never imagine myself casually including them in my dialogue as a member of the royal family or the CEO of a company. 

As I matured, my choice to never swear solidified as I learned the significance and power behind words. I did not stop at curse words. I even banned phrases like “it’s killing me” and “I’m dying” from my vocabulary. I substitute words in for any song with lyrics similar to those phrases. I refuse to speak anything other than blessing upon my life. 

It may sound extreme, but when have words ever been anything but extreme? Even when we do not realize it, words carry weight. They live on and go before us. 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” [Maya Angelou]

From a faith perspective, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue…” (Proverbs 18:21). It’s true. I can easily recall moments when someone’s words made me cry and other times when words made me angry, thankful, or happy. Language is a fundamental element in the emotions we have and perceptions we make.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

I want my words to represent myself well. To uplift and encourage. To bless myself and those around me. I want to create an environment filled with life and beauty wherever I go. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.

So, from me, there are $0 in the swear jar.